Parents In Recovery

Judy's Doncation site

2011-05-30T13:57:00.002-06:00

NO PROOF NEEDED

2009-02-22T21:35:00.001-06:00

"Attempts to prove one's value are altogether futile. No proof can bring lasting self-confidence to anyone who doubts himself; no circumstance can be too trivial to serve as a testing ground for the uncertain." - Rudolf Dreikurs

This goes for parents as well. It is always a mistake to try to prove to your children that you love them. All you need do is ask yourself, "Do I love my children?" If the answer comes back "yes," then you are free to go about the business of being a parent to your children. All attempts to prove to your children that you love them will lead to disaster. Your children will quickly learn to exploit your insecurity by demanding evidence that you love them. These demands will gradually become more and more outrageous.

HELICOPTER PARENTS

2009-02-19T21:54:00.001-06:00

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." - M. Scott Peck

What does this say about our tendency to over protect our children? Could it be that our desire to keep our children comfortable, happy and fulfilled is actually robbing them of the motivation they need to grow and mature? Parents who hover over their children have been labeled, "helicopter parents." An example of a helicopter parent is a parent who talks on the phone or text messages a college son or daughter several times each day. This form of interference undermines a young person's ability to discover life for him or herself.

ANXIETY

2009-02-11T23:18:00.001-06:00

"Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained." -Arthur Somers Roche

Off all the human emotions, anxiety is most easily transferred from one to another. The anxious mother soon has an anxious child. If parents are anxious about every day dangers and events, they will easily transmit these anxieties to their children. Make an effort to be calm and reasonable when dealing with the dangers and risks of life. This will not add a burden to the lives of your children.

THE NEED TO BELONG

2009-02-10T22:40:00.001-06:00

"Children desperately want to belong. If they feel accepted, they maintain their courage and present few problems. They do what the situation requires and gets a sense of belonging through there usefulness and participation." - Floy Pepper

When children's belonging needs are met they are cooperative, well behaved, eager to learn and adventurous. On the other hand, when their belonging needs go unmet, children are troublesome, discouraged and mischievous. Their mischief and troublemaking is aimed at getting the attention they need but were unable to get through cooperative behavior.

DON'T OVER-CORRECT

2009-02-08T22:18:00.001-06:00

"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment." - T. H. White

White's observation applies to parents and their children as well. It's important for parents to patiently allow their children to learn from experience, rather than stepping in to correct them at every moment. After all, one thorn of experience is worth an entire wilderness of warning. By over correcting our children, we undermine their confidence and diminish their initiative. Never do for your child what your child can do for themselves, even if they do it imperfectly at first.

MISTAKES

2009-02-07T22:44:00.001-06:00

"If you want to increase you success rate, double your failure rate." - Thomas Watson

Parents are usually too concerned about their children's mistakes. Making mistakes is an important part of learning. Too much attention paid to mistakes will undermine your child's confidence and thwart their initiative. We must learn to correct our children's mistakes without over emphasizing these mistakes in the process. Oftentimes mistakes are creative new ways of doing things.

BLAMING OTHERS

2009-02-05T22:46:00.001-06:00

"Blaming puts the locus of control outside of us, which is ultimately disempowering."

Whenever you ask your arguing children, "Who started it," you tempt them to lie. Blaming others is never a useful thing to do in personal relationships. Encourage your children to take responsibility for their own behavior and decisions. Be a model for them by taking full responsibility for your own actions and decisions.

THE CHILD AS ALLY

2009-02-02T09:37:00.001-06:00

"There is a great temptation to employ the child as an ally against other adults, especially when the others try to use him in that manner." - Rudolph Dreikurs

All too often, parents pit a child against their other parent. A parent may do this by claiming that the child is offended by something the other parent says or does. When, in fact, it is the adult who takes offense at their partner's actions or words. It is never appropriate for one parent to recruit a child as an ally against the other parent. This confuses children and puts them in a loyalty bind.

THE PROBLEM OF AFFLUENCE

2009-01-31T22:40:00.000-06:00

"The penalty of affluence is that it cuts one off from the common lot, common experience, and common fellowship. In a sense it outlaws one automatically from one's birthright of membership in the great human family." - Arnold Toynbee

There is a hidden treasure in the current economic crisis. Financial hardship, especially when it is widespread, touching all classes, tends to bring people together in a common spirit. Affluence has an alienating effect, separating the rich from the poor, the affluent from those who struggle to make ends meet. When everyone struggles, we are more inclined to join hands and work together. This community spirit is long overdue in our culture.

LEARNING TO BE ASSERTIVE

2009-01-29T22:01:00.001-06:00

"Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings conformably, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others." - Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons

It is important to teach our children to be assertive. To be assertive is not about pushing others around. It is about standing up for yourself. We cannot be with our children at every moment. It is important for them to know how to be assertive, to be able to express themselves and refuse to go along with others when they know it is wrong.

Dignity and Self-Respect

2009-01-24T22:21:00.001-06:00

"You are your most important resource. You always carry yourself with you." - Virginia Satir

Virginia Satir, a gifted therapist and teacher, was a champion of self-esteem. She taught that dignity and self-respect were essentials for a responsible and fulfilling life. This is why it is so important to build our children up and never tear them down, not matter how frustrated we may be with their behavior. We must learn to set limits and establish discipline without doing damage to their dignity self-respect.

COURAGE TO SEE

2009-01-23T22:37:00.001-06:00

"To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage." -- Henri Matisse

While the famous impressionist artist, Matisse, was talking about seeing the world around him in a new and different light, the same thing in true of parents and their children. Sometimes it takes courage to see our children as unique, individual persons, and not merely extensions of ourselves.

AVOID A FIRST IMPULSE

2009-01-14T23:04:00.001-06:00

"By acting on our first impulse, we tend to reinforce the child's behavior patterns, rather than to correct them." - Rudolph Dreikurs

Children are skilled at pushing our buttons. They only use what works. When we respond to our first impulse, we are often playing right into their hands. We must take a moment to think before we respond to our child's misbehavior. Our first impulse is usually a reaction to the situation and not a well thought out response. Mindful parenting requires us to slow down, act with patience and remain calm.

APPRECIATION IS A WONDERFUL THING

2009-01-13T22:29:00.000-06:00

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well." -Voltaire

Whenever we express appreciation to others, we recommit ourselves to those same values and principles. Appreciation is a powerful antidote to discouragement, despair and poor self-esteem. Children who feel appreciated by their parents are happier and more productive. They are also more cooperatives and cheerful. As parents it's easy to become so preoccupied with trying to correct our children's behavior that we fail to appreciate them. Make a point to tell your children each day what to appreciate about them. It is not enough to simply know that you appreciate them, is important to tell them.

BRINGING OUT THE BEST

2009-01-11T22:50:00.001-06:00

"Loving a child doesn't mean giving in to all his whims: to love him is to bring out the best in him, to teach him to love what is difficult." -- Nadia Boulanger

Boulanger was a famous music educator who taught pupils from all around the world. As a teacher, she was familiar with dealing with things that were difficult. She was highly regarded among her peers as an excellent teacher. In the above quotation she makes a clear distinction between coddling children and loving them, that is bringing out the best in them.

ACTION NOT WORDS

2009-01-09T22:04:00.000-06:00

Children tend to become "parent-deaf" and act only when we raise our voices in a threatening manner.

When they are continually addressed in this manner, they only respond momentarily. In most cases, children know what we expect of them. By over-using our loud, threatening voice, we are conditioning our children to ignore ordinary conversation. Parents who raise their voices in an attempt to control their children are using their loud voice as a remote control device. They are too lazy to walk over to the child and speak in a calm but firm voice. Instead they yell from across the room -- or from another room-- in an unfriendly manner, hoping to save themselves the trouble of speaking to their child person-to-person. Practice communicating with your child in a firm but friendly way. Save your loud voice for emergencies.

REAL PEACE

2009-01-08T23:00:00.001-06:00

"If we are not peaceful, if we are not feeling well in our skin, we cannot demonstrate real peace, and we cannot raise our children well either." - Thich Nhat Hanh

Real peace begins with inner peace. Inner peace is built upon self-acceptance. Unhappy people need constant reassurance that they are accepted, whereas happy people are grounded in self-acceptance. Self-acceptance embraces both pride in oneself and humbleness in relation to the world. Self-acceptance improves our relationships with others, including her children.

HEALTHY SELF-IMAGE

2009-01-07T23:02:00.001-06:00

"If you really do put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price." - Anonymous

We do our children no favor by thinking small and putting ourselves down. It is important to value yourself, trust yourself and have faith in yourself. If you don't trust yourself, if you don't have faith in yourself, your children will not trust you or have faith in you either. This is not to say that one should have arrogant self regard. Maintaining a healthy self-image is a gift we offer to our children.

HONEST COMMUNICATION

2009-01-05T22:45:00.001-06:00

"In order to become more honest in our relationships, we need to stop thinking of honesty as cold, hard truth. We also need to abandon the notion that being honest with children means taking their inventories. Instead, we need to think of honesty and sharing our feelings, ideas, and mistakes and allowing our children to share theirs - without fear of rejection or recrimination. Honesty means expressing affection and making amends, recognizing strengths and achievements. It is a moral fresh air - healthy, cleansing, and restorative." -- Alex Packer

How easy it is to mistake honesty for harsh truths, when in fact honesty can be a refreshingly sweet tonic. Honesty in our relationships with our children must include the words, " I love you" just as freely as it emphasizes the words, " I'm upset with you."

YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF

2009-01-03T20:11:00.000-06:00

"Remember you cannot change your children. You can only change yourself. So, in what ways could you be different that would make life more peaceful for yourself? If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got." - Noel Swanson

As parents, we're always looking for ways to change our children. What we should be looking for is ways to change ourselves. I'm not just talking about modeling, or setting an example. While these are helpful, our children don't always follow our example. They are however, affected by our moods, behaviors and attitudes. By remaining calm and reasonable when they are upset we create a more corporate atmosphere in the home.

Not Just The Best

2009-01-02T21:56:00.001-06:00

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. -- Henry Van Dyke

Every child should be encouraged to develop and express his or her talents. We must be careful that we don't over play those children with special or obvious gifts. All children have talents. With some children we must look more carefully to discover them, however. Everyone needs encouragement and support.

BE YOURSELF

2009-01-01T22:43:00.001-06:00

The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself. - Lao-Tzu

How wonderful to be accepted just the way we are. Gentle acceptance is something we can also offer our children. As parents, we sometimes work too hard at trying to shape and mold our children rather than accepting them. When children feel accepted, they are more cooperative and less inclined to frustrate us. When they feel they can be themselves they are more likely to succeed as well.

THE PRACTICE OF PEACE

2008-12-31T22:28:00.001-06:00

"If you, yourself, are at peace, then there is at least some peace in the world." - Thomas Merton

As parents, we set a tone of peace or anxiousness in our home. The more we are able to practice peace and harmony, the easier it is for our children to learn and practice peace as well. The practice of peace begins with the voice. Speaking to one another in warm, calm tones is the beginning of peace. A shrill, raised voice always upsets the peace. It is possible to set limits and to discipline without raising one's voice.

DREAMS, GOALS AND REALITY

2008-12-30T22:16:00.001-06:00

"If you want more control over a project, a business or your future, and a greater chance at meeting other long-term goals, it's a good idea to take the time necessary to get it down in writing." - Patt Borgman

"Writing something down is the first step toward making it happen. In conversation, you can get away with vagueness and nonsense, often without even realizing it. But there's something about putting your thoughts on paper that forces you to get down to specifics." - Lee Iacocca

As you reflect on the past year and look forward to 2009, here are some things that may help you achieve your goals. Goals can be thought of as dreams with deadlines. Dreams have a way of remaining ethereal, vague and unrealized. Goals, on the other hand, have a way of becoming your reality. The simplest way to realize your dreams is to turn your dreams into goals, write your goals down on paper, and give yourself a deadline for realizing them.

THE REAL WORK OF CHRISTMAS

2008-12-28T22:13:00.001-06:00

Now that the Shepherds have returned to their flocks, the ribbons and wrapping papers have been discarded, the vacancy sign is back up at the inn and the leftovers are nearly all consumed, let us carry out the real work of Christmas, which is to:

welcome the stranger,

feed the hungry,

heal the sick,

visit the lonely,

comfort the afflicted,

bind up the broken hearted,

and share the good news of salvation.

Kid Stuff

2008-12-24T22:15:00.001-06:00

Kid Stuff

by Frank Horne

The wise guys

Tell me

That Christmas

Is kid stuff...

Maybe they've got something there -

Two thousand years ago

Three wise guys

Chased a star

Across a continent

To bring

Frankincense and myrrh

To a kid

Born in a manger

With an idea in his head...

And as the bombs

Crash

All over the world

Today

The real wise guys

Know

That we've all

Got to go chasing stars

Again

In the hope

That we can get back

Some of that

Kid stuff

Born two thousand Years ago -

Take a Breather

2008-12-23T22:31:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING STRESS AT THE HOLIDAYS

Be sure to take some time for yourself. Steal away to a quiet place, even if it's the bathroom for a few moments of solitude. Spending a few minutes alone, without distractions, will refresh you. Listen to soothing music. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.

Ask for Help

2008-12-22T22:43:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING STRESS AT THE HOLIDAYS

Don't to play the martyr roll with holiday preparations. Ask for help and delegate certain responsibilities to others. If you try to do everything yourself, you will end up frazzled, stressed and resentful. The best thing to do is to you share your plans with other family members and enlist their corporation. If you are the only one who knows what your expectations are, you're bound to feel let down. Disappointment is usually the result of poorly communicated expectations.

Set Differences Aside

2008-12-20T20:58:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING STRESS AT THE HOLIDAYS

The holidays are not time to set about restructuring personal relationships within the family. If you have unfinished business with parents, siblings or other relatives, set aside an appropriate time to deal with these issues, but don't use holiday gatherings for this purpose. With stress and high levels of activity, the holidays are not the best time to work on reshaping important relationships. Instead, practice acceptance and forgiveness. This does not mean, however, that you should tolerate verbal or emotional abuse. You can always practice self-respect.

Feel-good or Dreaded

2008-12-18T23:02:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR TIME AT THE HOLIDAYS

Sort all the items on your holiday task list into two groups: feel-good and dreaded. Eliminate or modify as many of the dreaded tasks as possible. In most cases, won't be able to eliminate or successfully sweeten all of your dreaded tasks. However, if you balance or combine your dreaded tasks with your feel-good tasks, you will be surprised at how much better you will feel. This is an example of the principal, "A little bit of sugar helps the medicine go down." You may find that this strategy works equally well in other areas of your life.

Make a List

2008-12-17T23:12:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR TIME AT THE HOLIDAYS

Make a list of everything you'd like to accomplish during this holiday season. Your list should be reasonable, realistic and honest. Next, divide your list into 4 parts: the first part will contain those things which are absolutely essential, such as shopping for groceries and gifts, responding to social invitations, attending children's school or church presentations, etc. The second part of your list will contain those activities that would be nice if you could accomplish them, but are not absolutely essential. The third part of your list will contain those things which are clearly optional. The fourth part of the list will be reserved for things you may want to consider for next year. This four-part list will keep you from becoming overwhelmed while helping you to focus on the things that are most important.

Give Coupons

2008-12-16T22:26:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Give coupons that are redeemable as favors.

Examples:

Babysitting

Taking their kids for a weekend

Massage

Making a favorite meal

Taking them shopping

Taking them to the theater

Cleaning their car

Cleaning their house

Organizing their party

Organizing their files

Organizing their office

Organizing their photo albums

Reading a book to them, in person or on an audio file

Interviewing them on video

Teaching them something you know, such as cooking, gardening, music, etc.

Making something for them by hand

Spending time together doing something they really enjoy

Hand Made Gifts

2008-12-13T14:46:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Most of us will open a hand addressed card or envelope before we will open a card or envelope that has a printed label. We know that a hand addressed card or envelope is from someone who knows us personally. It comes from someone who values us and their relationship with us enough to take the time to make it personal. This same sentiment applies to hand made gifts. While children may dismiss any gift that is not from their "most wanted" list, adults appreciate the deeper meaning that accompanies hand made gifts.

Be Creative

2008-12-12T21:40:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Use your creativity and imagination to cut costs of gifts. Perhaps the most common way to manage the cost of gift giving in large families is to draw names. There are several other creative alternatives that will save money while still satisfying your spirit of giving. By giving a modest donation to the person's favorite charity in honor them and satisfy your own spirit of giving at the same time. It is like getting three gifts for the price of one: you, the recipient of your gift and the recipient of your donation.

Money as Stored Personality

2008-12-10T23:20:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Recognize that money is stored personality. You express your personality and values in the way you manage money - spending, saving and investing. Couples should not shy away from money discussions. They should face each other squarely and discuss the values that matter to them. Too often couples imagine that arguments about money can be avoided by each having a separate checking account. This is a silly assumption because your marriage is a singular financial entity. Bankruptcy involves both of you. Talk about money often and begin first by finding the values you agree on. Then move on to the areas where you have differences and make compromises you can both live with…because you both reap the consequences of each others actions, whether you have shared in the decisions or not.

KEEP EACH OTHER INFORMED

2008-12-09T22:41:00.000-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Keep each other fully informed of your spending as you go through this season. This can be done by making agreements in advance, or by updating one another on a regular basis. Keeping your partner informed about your spending does not necessarily equate to getting their permission. Some couples prefer to split up the list of persons they buy gifts for. It's easy to let certain spending behaviors slip through the cracks when using credit cards and the Internet for purchases. The most important thing is to keep talking about what you are spending.

Saver or Spender

2008-12-08T22:32:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Identify which of you tends to be the spender and which tends to be the saver. In every relationship, one person takes on the role of the spender while the other takes on the role of the saver. In the process, we project a part of ourselves onto our partner. For example, the saver projects their "inner spender" on to their partner while the spender protects their "inner saver" on to their partner. This way we avoid taking personal responsibility for our attitudes. Instead of struggling internally about how to balance the family budget, we engage in a power struggle with our partner. When you understand this, there's no longer any need for the power struggle. You just need to work things out together.

Reality Check

2008-12-08T08:58:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR TIME AT THE HOLIDAYS

Begin with a reality check. What are the current time constraints that you can and cannot control? Be realistic. This is no time to bite off more than you can chew. Be generous while estimating time. Tasks, such as shopping, usually take more time than we expect. Be gentle with yourself when you get behind.

Decide Together

2008-12-08T08:53:00.001-06:00

A TIP FOR MANAGING YOUR SPENDING AT THE HOLIDAYS

Make a mutual decision about spending limits. Every family has limited resources when it comes to holiday spending. By making a mutual decision on spending limits, you will avoid conflicts in your relationship and minimize the post holiday hangover from excessive credit debt.

Authority and Amends

2008-12-05T23:34:00.002-06:00

"The purpose of making amends is to undo errors, repair damage, and make ourselves and those we have wronged feel better." - Alex Packer

The making of amends is a powerful tool for healing broken relationships. This is especially meaningful for parents in recovery. Some parents in recovery imagine that making amends to their children will undermine their authority. Nothing could be further from the truth. Honesty and humility strengthen the authority of parents rather than undermined it.

AFFIRMATIONS FOR A STRESS-FREE HOLIDAY

2008-12-04T21:52:00.001-06:00

12 AFFIRMATIONS FOR A STRESS-FREE HOLIDAY

By Thomas and Judy Wright

1. I will remember that stress comes from within me. It is my reaction to situations and events around me.

2. I will live one day at a time.

3. I will do one thing at a time.

4. I will do the best I can, then put it away and not worry about it.

5. I will learn from my mistakes while being gentle with myself.

6. I will remind myself that there are always options.

7. I will treat all people with respect, including myself.

8. I will take time to enjoy my affectionate relationships.

9. I will express my feelings honestly each day.

10. I will attend to my real needs.

11. I will take time to gently grieve my losses.

12. I will attend to my spiritual needs in ways that comfort me.

Rebuilding Trust

2008-12-03T22:26:00.001-06:00

"Once a child develops a feeling of distrust for his parents, the feeling extends into personal isolation and general feelings of unsureness, personal imbalance, and rebellion." - Virginia Satir

Rebuilding damaged trust is a major task for parents and recovery. By the time parents get into recovery, they have usually destroyed a lot of trust that their children once had in them. This trust can be repaired but it takes time, patience and steady goodwill.

Sharing Self-respect

2008-12-02T21:17:00.001-06:00

"Dare to be different; share your self-respect with others." -- Maxwell Maltz

Sharing self-respect should be easy. It should be a natural thing to do. Sharing your self-respect with your children will benefit you both. What would this mean in practice? It means modeling self-respect and respecting your children. Treating your children with respect is the best way to model self-respect.

One Day at a Time

2008-11-30T22:49:00.001-06:00

"Teaching our children to live one day at a time is one of the greatest gifts we can offer them. It means teaching them to be patient and accepting, to have faith and perspective. It means encouraging them to take good care of themselves, to seek progress rather than perfection." - Alex Parker

Children are inpatient by nature. They will learn patience from our example as well as from our instruction. Our calm encouragement helps them to be more accepting of themselves and others. When we support their progress rather than demanding perfection, we help them to live one day at a time.

Forgive Your Parents

2008-11-29T22:02:00.001-06:00

"Our parents brought us the best way they knew how. Based on the information they had, and the example that was set for them, they ventured forth into the unknown territory known as 'parenthood.' To blame them endlessly for a lousy job of parenting is fruitless and destructive." -- Andrew Matthews

It's time to forgive your parents and stop blaming them for screwing up your life. You have both the ability and responsibility to make your own life work, regardless of how your parents lived their lives. Just see to it that your children have a better foundation for their lives then you were given for yours.

Giving and Getting

2008-11-28T21:26:00.001-06:00

"There is no established rule that says one person has to do all the giving and everyone else does the getting. Yet some families cripple themselves by appointing a specific person to be the giver, and nothing ever changes." - Virginia Satir

It is important for children to witness their parents sharing, not only household tasks, but the emotional give-and-take of a healthy relationship as well. Otherwise, they will grow up with distorted ideas about relationships. A good marriage is a relationship in which there is a high degree of mutual the satisfaction. While none of us will ever get all we want or expect from our partner, but we can negotiate in good faith to meet one another's needs.

Peace and Power

2008-11-27T23:31:00.001-06:00

"Most people want peace without the aloneness of power. And they want the self-confidence of adulthood without having to grow up." - M. Scott Peck

To become a competent parent takes courage. We must accept our power to shape our children's lives for good or for ill. We won't become self-confident by being their chums. Peace and power are two sides of the same coin.

Perfection is a Mistake

2008-11-26T22:56:00.001-06:00

"You are your worst enemy when you want to be perfect. You become fearful of making a mistake, so you don't assert yourself; therefore you cannot achieve happiness in life. You cannot gain friendship that way or in any negative way where you symbolically walk around on your knees trying to get attention by trying to please everybody." -- Maxwell Maltz

While we want our children to behave properly, it is an unnecessary burden, and even harmful, to expect them to be perfect. As parents, we must learn the means of correcting children's behavior without implying that we expect them to be perfect. Far too many children from perfectionistic families grow up believing they can never please their parents, that they are never good enough, or that they are never truly loved.

Look at One Another in the Present

2008-11-25T20:55:00.001-06:00

"What is so important to remember is to look at one another in the present, in the here and now. Eyes clouded with regret for the past or fear for the future limit your vision and offer little chance for growth or change." -- Virginia Satir

All too often parents worry so much about their child's future that they are not connected with them in the here and now. It's important to live in the present with children. The past is over and gone and the future has not yet come. Make a point to cherish the present moment with your children because it is at the only time you have with them.

Adolescent Rage

2008-11-23T22:42:00.001-06:00

"Adolescent rage is the biggest learning disability in our culture. Adolescent rage often becomes adolescent boredom, apathy, not noticing, not caring. Angry children will not learn well, fare well, live well and certainly will not act well." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Spoiled children have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Exaggerated entitlement is often accompanied by rage. When spoiled children are denied their desires, they respond is rage. They use rage to make demands on their parents. A well mannered child has a sense of social interest.

Tolerance for Thinking

2008-11-21T22:31:00.001-06:00

"While all forms of thinking should be tolerated, some forms of behavior should not be. In the end it is behavior that counts." - M. Scott Peck

As parents, it is important to allow our children to express themselves freely, even when they're upset and frustrated. It is equally important to set limits and establish boundaries concerning their behavior. Children who are free to express their thoughts and feelings are less prone to act out when they're upset. Make sure when your children are expressing their frustration that they talk about their feelings without labeling or attacking others.

Straight Communication

2008-11-20T22:58:00.001-06:00

"It is my belief that any family communication not leading to realness or straight, single levels of meaning cannot possibly lead to the trust and love that, of course, nourish members of the family." - Virginia Satir

Straight communication is rarely experienced in chemically dependent family systems. In our recovery, we are learning to communicate in direct, non-gamy ways. We practice saying what we mean, and meaning what we say. We try to avoid all hidden meanings. If we're upset, we say so. No hidden agendas.

Parental Authority

2008-11-16T21:50:00.002-06:00

"The authority of the parents versus the freedom of expression by their children, is a common challenge in households. Children have hope and the future on their side; adults have maturity and wisdom on theirs. But parental authority is wrong when it results in punishment brought on by a lack of open-mindedness and understanding. Discipline properly executed on the child, who secretly craves guidance, must have creative characteristics rather than destructive traits. Discipline is more a test of the adult who uses it to of the child who receives it." - Maxwell Maltz

Too many families are locked in power struggles between parents and children. Children need our discipline and guidance. What they fight against is closed mindedness and rigid thinking on the part of parents. Discipline must be creative, open-minded and aimed always at the social and moral development of the child, and not simply a defense of parental authority.

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Setting the Pattern

2008-11-15T22:46:00.002-06:00

"The quality of our relationships with their parents creates a pattern. If, as children, we experienced guilt or disapproval then we will continue to attract and associate with people who treat us as 'bad' people. Similarly, if we experienced love and approval as children, then, as adults we will gravitate toward people who treat us with respect. In short, we attract what we expect and the world treats us as we believe we deserve to be treated. - Andrew Matthews

One of the important gifts we can give our children is a positive self-image. By treating our children with respect, we create for them a firm foundation for their lives. On the other hand, if we treat them harshly and with negative evaluation, we will cripple them for life. As parents, we have a tremendous influence over the mental and emotional development of our children. We can't not influence them. Their lives will be shaped by the way we treat them. Treat them well.

Keep it Simple

2008-11-14T23:14:00.002-06:00

"Nowhere is keeping it simple more essential than in raising our children. One-day-at-a-time parents recognize how much needless worry and trouble they create for themselves and their kids when they lose sight of what is important." -- Alex Parker

Keeping it simple means remembering what is important. Simplicity eliminates the unnecessary and retains the essential. Worry and stress are unnecessary - love and forgiveness are essential. Life is simply grand when we focus on the essentials.

Those Who Believe

2008-11-13T22:09:00.002-06:00

"Spending time with people who believe you'll never really amount to anything will dampen your enthusiasm for pursuing your goals and make it difficult to move through life in the direction you want to go. On the other hand, people who instill confidence in you with a can-do attitude, people whose spirits are uplifting, will help breathe new life into your plans and dreams." - Daniel Amen

Children are easily discouraged by adults who consistently ridicule them and put them down. On the other hand, those who believe in their children's ability do more than stimulate them. They create for them an atmosphere in which it becomes easier to succeed. Make a point to support your child's dreams and show enthusiasm for their ideas.

Personal Responsibility

2008-11-12T22:31:00.001-06:00

By attempting to avoid responsibility for our own behavior, we are giving away our power to some other individual or organization. In this way, millions daily attempt to escape from freedom. - M. Scott Peck

It is important to teach our children to be responsible for their choices and their behavior. We do our children no favors by protecting them from the consequences of their choices. In being overprotective, we rob them of personal power. When we blame others we have given away the key to our own freedom.

State-dependent Learning

2008-11-11T23:17:00.001-06:00

"The most important moments to focus on in parent-child interactions are those moments when the child is emotional. Kids learn about anger when they are actually angry. Then, when they are angry once again, they will have access to this learning. Learning about emotion is state-dependent." - Hiam Ginott

Too often we try to teach our children about emotions when they are not emotional. State-dependent experiences, such as anger, can be fully understood only when we are in the same mental state where the emotion was originally experienced. State-dependent learning is the most useful kind because the learning is in our bones.

Our Relatedness to Others

2008-11-10T23:18:00.001-06:00

"We learn to listen better to ourselves and to others. As we do that, we enhance our capacity for learning, for seeing things as they are, for loving, and for making a more significant contribution to the well-being of the world. The quality of life does change as we do these practices, both in terms of increased inner peace and in terms of our capacity to deepen our relatedness to each other." - Francis Vaughan

Vaughn recognizes the wonderful paradox that our relatedness to others is increased as we do our own inner work. The more we delve into our own spirituality the closer we become to those around us. As we reflect on our own experience, we discover that it is often a microcosm of the whole human experience.

Praise vs. Acceptance

2008-11-10T11:11:00.000-06:00

“We all have strengths and areas where we don’t do as well. Help your child to feel good about his strengths, and to know that the areas where he doesn’t do well are accepted to.” -- Betty Youngs

It’s easy to praise your child for doing well. It’s not so easy to encourage them when they fail. Our children need to know that our acceptance of them as persons is not dependent on their performance. We can share their disappointments when things go wrong and still accept them and encourage them to try again.

Manipulation

2008-11-10T11:10:00.000-06:00

“Nervousness, irritability, hypersensitivity and reactivity are separate words that all mean the same thing: we are being frustrated in our efforts to manipulate someone. They won’t stand still for us nor respond to our controls. We do not like they’re obvious insubordination to our wishes.” – Willard and Marguerite Beecher

How easy it is to become frustrated when we try to control our children. No one likes to be controlled. We must learn to win their cooperation rather than demand their obedience. Winning the cooperation of our children is not difficult as long as we have a friendly relationship with them. By maintaining a friendly, respectful relationship with our children, they prefer to do what we ask in order to keep a close connection with us.

Our Daily Inventory

2008-11-07T23:15:00.001-06:00

"Our daily inventory needs to be a review of what we said and did and its impact on those around us."- Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

Step 10, taking a personal inventory, is a critical part of our recovery. It is the method we use for personal accountability. Without accountability, we cannot heal and repair our relationships. Repairing our relationships is central to our recovery as parents.

Degradation or Acceptance

2008-11-06T23:04:00.001-06:00

"Trying to be what you are not is degradation." -- Maxwell Maltz

The quickest and surest way to lower your self-esteem is to pretend to be someone you're not. Whenever you try to be someone different than who you are, you are secretly judging and finding fault with yourself. When you fail to accept your self the way you are, you are putting your self down. Self acceptance is an essential aspect of good self-esteem.

Process is Everything!

2008-11-05T23:16:00.001-06:00

"Process is everything. We can only teach kindness kindly. We can only teach respect by being respectful. We can only teach politeness by being polite with our children. You can't say, 'You stupid idiot, I said to be polite!'" -- John Gottman

Children learn more from how we conduct ourselves with them than from what we talk about to them. Our actions and our words must be consistent. Children are very sensitive to phoniness. When our words and behavior don't match, our children will imitate how we act more often than following what we say.

Emotions

2008-11-04T23:36:00.000-06:00

"Emotions are at the heart of any relationship. They are your life's energy. The pulse of the relationship depends in large part on how you and your partner manage and communicate your feelings. This requires honesty, openness, and lots of tender, loving, attentive care - care for your feelings and for your partners."- Steven Farmer

The emotional exchange between children's parents plays a huge role in their development and wellbeing. The free flow of loving kindness, mutual respect and honest communication form the foundation of a healthy home.

The Road To Self-Improvement

2008-11-03T22:28:00.001-06:00

"Change is difficult. The action of a poor self-image is always to perpetuate itself. As we start out on the road to self-improvement, the tendency is to keep replaying the old patterns of blame, guilt and self denigration." -- Andrew Matthews

The mental programs of self-blame and guilt are not easy to overcome. Positive self-talk is the best place to start. By reprogramming your mind with positive thoughts you will eventually defeat the negativity that is associated with your life prior to recovery.

Living in the Present

2008-11-02T22:41:00.001-06:00

"Too many of us see yesterday, not today, when we look in the mirror." -- Maxwell Maltz

As parents and recovery, we come with lots of baggage from our past. This baggage has a tendency to drag us backwards. We must learn to live in the moment while looking forward to the future. As we apply the principles of recovery we are more and more able to live in day-tight compartments.

Making Amends

2008-10-30T21:35:00.001-06:00

"Children, too, need to learn how to make amends. Doing so allows them to take responsibility for their actions and to expiate the guilt and regret they often feel as a result of their misdeeds." - Alex Packer

Making amends is a healing activity which we can share with our children. As parents we can model this behavior as well as teach our children how to make amends. Through making amends, children are able to experience the healing power of personal responsibility and forgiveness.

Self-acceptance

2008-10-29T22:18:00.001-06:00

"Self-acceptance is the beginning of confidence. To live successfully, realize that you were capable of making a mistake." - Maxwell Maltz

Self-acceptance always includes accepting our humanness. Our humanness includes the fact that all parents make mistakes. To be unwilling to accept the nature of our mistakes is to live in denial. Because we can go nowhere from where we are not, all change and personal growth begins by accepting our mistakes.

Strengths and Weaknesses

2008-10-28T21:39:00.001-06:00

"How a family handles problems determines how functional they are. A trait of a low-functioning family is the inability to recognize its own strengths. Often we get so focused on what went wrong that we overlooked what went right." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

It's important to acknowledge our strengths as well as our weaknesses. All families have problems and challenges. It is not useful to over emphasize weaknesses and under emphasize strengths. Success is more the result of building on the strengths that it is eliminating all weaknesses.

Perfectionism

2008-10-27T21:43:00.001-06:00

"You don't have to be all things to your kids. And your kids don't want you to be either. It's a lot easier for them if they don't have to live up to someone who aspires to be God." -- Alex Packer

Perfectionism is a curse. God's love for us is not dependent on our past, our performance or our perfectionism. None of us can be a perfect parent, or perfect anything else. We must all practice the courage to be imperfect. Perfectionism is a burden that robs ones life of joy in spontaneity.

Put Away The iPod

2008-10-26T22:15:00.001-06:00

"There comes a time when you've got to put away the Game Boys, turn off the television set, put away the iPod, and get your kids down to work." - Thomas L. Friedman

Friedman is a very busy man, but he has his priorities straight. As parents, we have to take responsibility to guide and direct our children rather then simply buy them the latest gadgets to entertain themselves so we don't have to deal with them one on one. Actively involved parents are a joy to their kids.

Learning

2008-10-25T22:05:00.001-06:00

"Curiosity, experience and awareness are the keys to learning. The child is the natural student for whom learning is not work." - Terry Kellogg and Marvel Harrison

There is so much we can learn from our children. All we have to do is observe their eagerness to look at the world around them and learn how it works. They are naturally curious and trusting, eager to explore and discover what is around the next corner. We would do well to encourage and support their enthusiasm for learning.

Unconditional Love

2008-10-24T22:06:00.001-06:00

"We love those who know the worst of us - and don't turn their faces away." - Walker Percy

This is the essence of unconditional love. Our children need to know that we will never turn away from them, in spite of any mistakes they make or any bad decisions they make. We all need those special persons in our lives who will stand by us, no matter what. Parents who play this role will never be disappointed because children who feel loved and accepted are eager to earn our respect.

Structure and Chaos

2008-10-23T21:38:00.001-06:00

"With no structure there is chaos. With total structure there is no room for emptiness." - M. Scott Peck

Healthy family life requires a proper balance between structure and chaos. With too much structure, there is no room for creativity, reflection and personal expression. Too much chaos leads to uncertainty and constant anxiety. Families need a meaningful level of predictability in order to function properly. It is our job as parents to provide this health balance for our children.

Control

2008-10-22T22:17:00.001-06:00

The attempt to control everything that happens in the family only produces power struggles and conflicts.

When parents attempt to control their children - including their thoughts, feelings and behavior - this attempt ultimately backfires. When you believe it is possible for parents to control their children - and discover that you can't do it -abusive is inevitable. You will either abuse your children verbally, emotionally, or physically - or you will abuse yourself with shame and guilt. As parents, we have tremendous influence over the lives of our children. Influence is not the same as control, however. We cannot control their minds or their behavior. By using the full scope of our positive influence, however, we can encourage, guide and direct our children without causing destructive power struggles.

Approximation

2008-10-21T21:54:00.001-06:00

"Catch people doing something approximately right." - Ken Blanchard

While Blanchard is here talking about managers in a business context, his wisdom applies to children as well. Children need encouragement in order to grow and perform well. We can encourage their effort as well as their cheerful attitude. It is unnecessary to wait until a child has done a task perfectly before we acknowledge them for their effort. Encouragement is not the same as false praise.

Be Willing To Have It So

2008-10-20T22:14:00.001-06:00

"Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune." - William James

Our children often have a melt-down when things don't go exactly the way they want or expect. When that happens, we have an opportunity to teach them the importance of acceptance. Too often I see parents miss this opportunity entirely. Instead, they bribe their child with promises in an effort to distract them from their disappointment. It is better to use patient conversation to guide them in the way of acceptance.

Talk Slowly

2008-10-20T12:36:00.001-06:00

Talk slowly but think quickly.

This is highly useful advice for parents. When we face an issue of discipline, resistance or disobedience with our child, it is very important to check our first impulse. Our first impulse is most often triggered by fear of losing control of the situation or we are acting on the reflexive desire to reinforce our authority. When we take a moment to think before we speak, we are more likely to avoid an emotional scene or a power struggle. You can always ask questions such as, "How do you see this?" Or, "What is important to you at this moment?" By asking non-threatening questions, you can buy yourself some time to think as well as calm your inner mind so that you can actually pay attention to your child rather than reacting to them.

Child in the Middle

2008-10-18T22:35:00.001-06:00

"There is a great temptation to employ the child as an ally against other adults, especially when the others try to use him in that manner." - Rudolph Dreikurs

It is all too easy to use your child to advance your own agenda in a power struggle with your partner. This unfortunate strategy has terrible consequences for your child. When your child feels caught between competing parents, that child will become anxious and emotionally disturbed. Your child will begin to lie in an attempt to escape from being caught in the middle. Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to never put your child in the middle of your relationship when there is conflict.

Solitude

2008-10-17T22:26:00.001-06:00

"A vital boundary issue is taking time for yourself. It's so tempting to get caught up in the flurry of day-to-day business, in activities involving the children, or in your relationship that it's easy to forget to take time for yourself." - Steven Farmer

Farmer correctly draws attention to the importance of time alone. Some people require more solitude than others. Solitude is often a difficult thing to ask for in marriage because your partner may interpret your request for solitude as a desire to avoid them. In fact, the need for solitude has very little to do with the other person in your life.

Trust

2008-10-16T22:30:00.002-06:00

"Trust comes from a sense of emotional safety, and emotional safety comes from parents being there for you with reasonable consistency." - Steven Farmer

Trust is an essential aspect of healthy relationships. Our children need to be able to trust us. Without trust, there is no emotional safety. This results in chronic anxiety and emotional insecurity. Always make a point to keep your word.

Kindness and Courage

2008-10-15T22:09:00.004-06:00

“Life is mostly froth and bubble

Two things stand like a stone

KINDNESS in another’s trouble

COURAGE in your own.” — Adam Lindsey Gordon

Kindness is a healing balm for smoothing misery, a remedy for loneliness and alienation. Courage is the quality of mind that overcomes hesitancy and enables us to face our fears and challenges without shrinking or evading the task at hand. Kindness and courage are most precious gifts to be shared with our children.

Individuality

2008-10-14T21:46:00.001-06:00

"If a man is not faithful to his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything." - Claude McKay

While McKay was referring to adults, the same can be said for adolescents as well. The task of adolescence is to develop one's own individuality, one's own identity, one's own point of view that is separate from their parents. In order to develop properly, adolescents need enough emotional room to be loyal to themselves without becoming obstinately defiant toward their parents. This requires a delicate balance that few families successfully establish.

Excellence Through Practice

2008-10-13T13:42:00.001-06:00

"Help your children understand that excellence in education cannot be achieved without intellectual and moral integrity coupled by hard work and commitment." - National Commission on Excellence in Education, 1983.

There are no shortcuts to excellence, whether in education, the arts, business or sports. Aristotle wrote, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." We need to encourage our children to develop the habit of excellence. Excellence only comes with repeated practice. While our children often resist practicing, it is our job as parents to encourage and support the virtues of repetition and practice.

People Need Joy

2008-10-12T22:01:00.001-06:00

"People need joy quite as much as clothing. Some of them need it far more." - Margaret Collier Graham

How often do we think about providing our children with joy? And yet joy is as essential as clothing to sustain the life of our children. A joyful Child is more apt to become a creative and productive adult than a joyless child. A joyful home nourishes the spirits of all who enter as well as all who abide there.

Influence

2008-10-11T19:33:00.002-06:00

Influence

"We are all generals. Whatever action we take may influence the course of civilization." - M. Scott Peck

If, as Peck observes, our actions may influence the course of civilization, how much more do our actions influence the character and development of our children. Our children are watching us as they learn to relate of one another, make choices and decisions. What will your children conclude from watching you as you face important and difficult decisions?

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Self-discipline

2008-10-10T22:28:00.001-06:00

"To discipline what we allow ourselves to think and say requires us to be different from the crowd. Excellence always does." - Andrew Matthews

As parents we need to help our children learn to discipline what they think and say. We can do this modeling as well as by clear instruction. Self-discipline, while not very popular these days, nonetheless is a main ingredient of maturity.

Change Your Mind

2008-10-08T21:55:00.001-06:00

"A wise man changes his mind. A fool never will." - Spanish Proverb

This applies to parents as well. While it is very important for you as a parent of provide your child with firm rules, limits and guidelines (some parents fail miserably at this) it is also important to recognize new situations and adapt your positions accordingly. If you never allow your child to change your mind on an issue once you have taken a stand, your child will grow up feeling powerless when dealing with any authority figure. Feeling powerless when dealing with authority leads to passivity, resignation and helplessness.

Models not Critics

2008-10-07T22:17:00.001-06:00

"Children improve more quickly and effortlessly from observing models and from listening to critics.- anonymous

Our children are more likely to imitate what we do than follow what we say. Providing them with reliable models of the behavior and values we espouse is more effective than either preaching to them or scolding them.

Problems and Challenges

2008-10-06T21:39:00.001-06:00

"If you stop and think about it, some of the greatest challenges you ever faced were in your first few years, as you took on the problems of walking, talking, writing, and so on. What is more, you managed all these things!" - Andrew Matthews

Problems and challenges are the stuff of life. Meeting these challenges and solving these problems provide us with a sense of meaning and purpose. Overprotective parents cheat their children out of the adventure of meeting challenges and solving problems, along with the satisfaction that comes from these positive experiences.

Worry

2008-10-04T12:36:00.001-06:00

"Children will not fear life if their elders have integrity enough not to fear death." - Erik H. Erikson

Anxiety is transmitted quite easily from parent to child. Children become worried and anxious about the things their parents are worried and anxious about. We must be careful not to worry "out loud" about all the things that go on in our minds as conscientious parents. If you are a real "worrier," make a point not to impress your children with your worries.

Secure Emotional Bond

2008-10-01T22:32:00.001-06:00

"A child's feeling of worthiness shapes his identity. If he feels worthwhile, he knows that he has a place in your world and can be confident later of going out into the world." -Bettie Youngs

When a child feels secure, loved and valued, they are more confident in themselves and more resistant to negative peer pressure. A child who experiences a secure emotional bond with his or her parents is more adventurous, confident and self-assured out in the world.

How Others See Us

2008-09-30T22:26:00.001-06:00

"We break our necks to earn respect and admiration, only to discover that we really have no control over how others perceive us." - Anne Wilson Schaef

This is a hard lesson for all of us to learn. While each of us would like to manage our own public relations campaign, this is ultimately impossible. It is important to help our children realize that they cannot control what others think of them. We must all learn to do our best and let the chips fall where they may.

Life is Relative

2008-09-29T21:18:00.001-06:00

"There are no absolutes for something so relative as a human life. There is no such thing as 'best' in a world of individuals." - Hugh Prather

Prather invites us to be fully present in the moment. He calls us to live in the now, to see our children as one-of-kind individuals and to refrain from comparisons and evaluations. Grading children on a curve wounds the soul.

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Teaching and Learning

2008-09-28T22:30:00.000-06:00

"All human interactions are opportunities either to learn or to teach." - M. Scott Peck

We can learn a great deal from our children as long as we're open minded and humble enough to let them teach us. As parents, we may mistakenly believe it is our job to teach and our Children's job to learn from us. One of the real joys of parenthood is the privilege of living in the same house with little persons who are discovering the world for the first time. We can learn so much from their curiosity, excitement and enthusiasm.

Love of Self

2008-09-27T22:43:00.000-06:00

"All ability to love begins with and is conditioned by one's ability to love oneself. If we are to love others and to love life itself, we must have a true love for ourselves, a healthy self-image, a sense of self appreciation." - John Powell, SJ

Some of us were taught that it is wrong to love ourselves. This was a serious mistake made by parents in previous generations. They did not understand the proper relationship between love of self and love of others. John Powell, a Jesuit scholar with degrees in theology and psychology, understands the proper relationship between love of others and love of self.

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Knowing When to Quit

2008-09-24T22:08:00.001-06:00

"In the face of an obstacle which is impossible to overcome, stubbornness is stupid." -- Simóne de Beauvoir

Sometimes we worry too much about being thought of as a quitter. Knowing when to quit is a sign of good judgment. As a parent we need to strike a balance between letting our kids quit something they have started and encouraging them to press on when they are filled with normal discouragement which is the result of facing a difficult task. Knowing when to quit can be a sign of real maturity and wisdom.

Your Child's Self-esteem

2008-09-23T21:49:00.000-06:00

"The best chance the child has of securing a level of high self-esteem is to have parents who possess it, model it, and want to instill it in their children." - Bettie Youngs

Modeling good self-esteem is one of the most important things that parents can do for their children. Children learn more from who we are than what we say to them. Self-esteem is an internal resource that enables your children to meet the challenges they face. Without healthy self-esteem, children are less able to benefit from their native intelligence or athletic skills.